Friends! I hope you’ve found yourself reading here in good health and good spirits! I have missed blogging greatly and am glad to be re-established, unconnected to Google.
For newcomers, welcome. My name is Anna (see About the Fat Girl for more) and I have created this blog in hopes to find some space to air out what is going on in my head. I had decided over a year ago that it was time to recover from my eating disorder. I have unfortunately made little progress, and am in fact back in the throes of ana like a child nuzzling it’s teddy. My routine is restrict, binge, purge, and the amount and length of each varies (along with my weight).
I used to have a rigid exercise regimen, but as I lost weight, it got harder and harder to keep up. Two summers ago, at 106 lbs and doing hot yoga everyday, I ended up feeling quite ill and stopped working out. I’ve gone to the gym here and there, but for the most part have not worked out steady in over a year and a half. One of my goals in keeping this blog is to also keep up a work out regime starting this weekend the latest.
I am also looking to keep up a zero alcohol policy. I have been on and off with drinking, and I stopped completely back in July and only recently (since Christmas) had a few drunken nights. It has to stop completely, as alcohol really affects my moods and my weight. Plus, after not eating for so long, I’m usually wasted after only one beer, but always drink more, and end up puking and/or passing out. So, no booze. And I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes as well, though my disorder strongly wants me to keep a coffee/nicotine diet.
I have currently been on the restriction end of things, and although it took longer than I expected (probably because I’m not working out), I finally got to 112lbs. While it felt great knowing I was underweight again, but it wasn’t, and isn’t enough. I’ve been on a week semi-binge to get the boyfriend off my back a bit, also I had my period which fucks with my eating as well, so I am trying to avoid the scale the last few days, but I intend on being close to 112 when I get back on.
I am frustrated, as I know I shouldn’t lose much more than I have. My coworkers are commenting, my parents, and my boyfriend hates it. I know I don’t feel healthy, and I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired (oh yeah we got some cliches happening on this here blog) so I know I have to change something. But the second I eat a meal and feel that bulge in my stomach…uck. I can’t do it. Hence the merry-go-round I am in. Get better, no wait, get thin, no wait, eat, wait stop you’re fat! My voice, pleaing for recovery, is light and soft, always drowned out by her screaming at me, scolding me for being the disgusting pig that I am.
I look forwarding to being able to blog again, and I hope you enjoy reading. Please share your blogs as well. Stay strong and healthy <33
Love & Light,