A Conversation with my ED from Last Year

This was when I began recovery. I wish I could say I was right and she was wrong, but a year later I’m still following the voices in my head.

 

Dear Ana,

 

I am writing you to let you know that this, you and I, has to stop. I cannot go on with you by my side any longer. You have had control over me for more years than I ever wanted to admit. You have destroyed what could have been wonderful, amazing, unforgettable moments in my life. (dates, sleepovers with friends, holidays, family gatherings, my graduation, all of high school for that matter, all of college, shit I don’t even want to keep going..). You have torched relationships into dust, and have hurt almost anyone positive who’s been in my life. I am certain my lifespan has been shortened, probably dramatically, because of you.  And regardless of when I die, I am certain to endure physical consequences as I age because of what you have done to me. It is because of what you taught me, that I now need glasses and can’t see. That past thyroid issue? All you. My fucking teeth are see-through at the bottom. I will never sing the way I used to, and probably never talk the same either. My hair and nails. My complexion. The stretch marks. The permanent bruise on my hand. Do you see all the repercussions of your presence in my life??

 

You know you’re full of shit. You can’t live without me and you wouldn’t even want to if you could. I make you better. I make you loveable. And if you start listening again, I might even be able to make you beautiful one day.

 

I know. But I also know you’re wrong and you lie to me. And I think that even if I believe you…if I ignore you, I may find the clarity to see through your lies. I am sick of not feeling good. I am sick of having to make up excuses, or find ways to explain myself. I am sick of having to avoid situations that would otherwise be fun if it weren’t for you, or ruining situations that could’ve been fun for other people if it weren’t for you. Do you remember the first time a guy ever asked me out to dinner? You have to remember, you answered for me. Jesus. How fucking weird I must’ve seemed. No one wants to deal with someone like this, not my friends, my family, and certainly not the one I love. You can only make me loveable from a distance. I don’t want to shut everybody out again. I don’t want to be lonely again.

 

You’d rather be fat than lonely?

 

No. I don’t want to be either. And just because I’m giving you up, does not mean I am going to be fat.

 

Yes it does. You cannot do it without me. You are a pig, you are disgusting, and you cannot be anything else without me. Try giving me up, go ahead. I guarantee you’ll gain 10 lbs by your birthday. Ooooh you definitely need more fat birthday pictures in your collection..

 

Fuck you. There has to be a way I can do it without you. I won’t let myself get fat. I am going to a doctor for help. I have to now, because you took away my ability to understand hunger/fullness like a normal human being. I want to know what that’s like. I never have, not once, at least that I can ever remember.

 

Well you are not normal. You’re fat. So I’m here to help you so you don’t become even fatter. So that maybe one day you can be beautiful.

 

Hunger = elation, euphoria, SUCCESS. You’re doing something right if you’re hungry. You’re getting closer to your goal weight every time your stomach growls. You are working HARD and you should be proud of yourself every time this feeling comes over you. I’m proud of you. Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels, my dove, so keep at it.

 

Fullness = shame, disgust, guilt. You have FAILED. How hard is it to not eat? People are forced to do it all over the world. People choose to do this all over the world. But you can’t, pig? You know you gained weight, you know what the scale is going to say tomorrow. And now tonight and tomorrow you’re going to be miserable (as you should) all because you couldn’t show any goddamn restraint. There is one silver lining, but it comes at a cost…the price of being caught, and the price of a swollen face…and you’ll still be fat. You can’t undo what you did, you can’t take back a lack of willpower. But at least the scale might be kinder to you tomorrow…

 

No. It doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Just like you’ve brainwashed me into believing and following your rules, I can be trained on a new, healthier set of rules. I can be normal one day.

 

You know that healthy is just another word for fat? Every single time someone in your life said that you looked “healthy”, they were referring to your weight gain. So that’s what you want? Fine. Without me you’ll be plenty fucking “healthy”. All the way up to a size 9 healthy? Mmhmm doesn’t that sound sexy…fucking gross. You disgust me for thinking it could be any other way. If you were naturally thin, fine, maybe you wouldn’t need me. But you’re not and never will be. So to be thin, you have to follow my rules. And without me you’ll just be another fattie wallflower that no one gives a FUCK about.

 

I don’t care and I can’t listen to you this time. Too much is on the line. I gave up everything for a chance to rid my life of you. I can’t give up.

 

You can’t give ME up. And hey, why don’t you go read what ____ said again…I like her. She sounds stronger than you.

And anyway, I don’t know who you’re kidding. You and I both know you’ll be back. 🙂

 

Maybe. But I’ll do everything I fucking can to be healthy AND thin before I let that happen.

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